an epitaph of us
i am waking up to a world without you. so i erase you instead
at lacuna inc., they ask me to make a map of you. it’s heart-shaped and yellow. on the tape, they’re asking me to tell them why. i talk about your frozen heart and how the door to it is sealed by past pain. i’m erasing you, and i’m unhappy. but i tell myself i’m ready for this
26th october. it's the last day we met. did i tell you i loved your jersey? your hands are so soft. i wish i had kissed you when we saw each other at the station. not wasted so many minutes fighting. i wish i held your hands tighter. i wish i never reached out for your phone. i wish i did so many things. there are poems in my head when your hands are on my thigh. kissing you in crowded places is my second favorite thing in the world. kissing you is first. your hair is soft, and it’s slipping through my fingers. so is everything else. they’re wiping this way. i dont know the plot of gladiator. or that it has gore in it. we never kissed in the theater. i never wiped your tears in the food court. we have no pictures of us that day. the doctor says it’s better. in my memory now, i'm waking up that weekend without plans.
19 october. lodhi garden. i hate that shirt of yours. i’ve never seen you look this beautiful. the sky is blue—it's for us, i'd like to believe. you liked the poems i wrote for you. i’m looking at the grass and how green it is. anything to not see your face. what if you see me now and you know? what if it makes you run away? we’re kissing under the sky, and my heart has never felt brighter. how do you make everything so warm? the view here is beautiful. and by view, i mean your face. the stale pizzas taste good. the multicolored cat is lovely. everything is lovely with you. i’m tasting your mouth more times than i've kissed anyone i've loved before. i might have liked you that day too. i’m afraid to write the stronger word. if there was a moment i would want to freeze, this would be it. i wish we were in it for ever. holding hands, and away from everything that can break us. under the same sky and singing a simon and garfunkel song. the walls there are old. older than we would ever live to be. you’re petting a cat for the first time. she’s older than i’d ever know you for. a quick wipe. and all of it’s gone. i never tasted myself on your fingers. we never shared a kitkat. the sky is dull and i’m sleeping in that weekend. lodhi never saw us share a gazillion kisses. my body never belonged to yours.
20 september. deer park. i call it fate that brought us together again. modern family has never felt more comfortable. we’re eating chinese and all i can think about is your leg around me. the walk to the park is nice. your cigarette tastes good. your hands wrapped around me do unspeakable things to me. i hate how much i love it. i hate how it feels so natural. the first kiss is messy, the second one sloppier. i’m pulling away because i'm shy. i remember your smile very clearly. you’re singing 'sex’ under your breath. this is how it starts. this is how it starts. i tell you you don't need to fill anyone’s shoes. it’s only the second day, and you’re already making the butterflies inside me dance. they’re wiping this away too. the first kiss never happened. freedom corner’s corner never belonged to us. it never started. it never started.
14th september. you’re walking towards me in the station. i take a mental photograph of your blue shirt. the first date isn’t awkward. why isn’t it awkward? they’re playing taylor swift in the cafe. i know this song. and the three more that play. i like how you use the fork. you have beautiful fingers. our drinks are late. i don't mind because i get more time with you. the bookstore is blue. did i tell you it’s my favorite color? i’m smiling every time you’re brushing your arms against mine. the auto rides are windy, and your hand is on my thigh. i have never wanted to kiss someone more. but it’s all going away now. the 1975 poster in my room is gone. so are the polaroids of us all smiles. rajiv chowk went back to being scary. and we’re back to the first memory.
the first memory is of you and your guitar. strumming a song about sex. you said you were straight out of your shower. i know that song like the back of my hand. i won’t anymore. they’re drawing circles on my head. i’m forgetting your voice. the softness of it and how it used to be the first and last thing i heard every day. the way it’s etched on my brain and how you said my name. they’re erasing your cover of ‘o.’ let me keep this one. please. it’s all going away. all the nights of hearing you breathe and hearing you sigh. your family history and your pictures of your childhood. memories at gottea and of kitkats are all gone. we deserved a better goodbye, but it’s too late. it’s the last thirty seconds. okay. okay. here’s what i would have said if we had said goodbye. i would give up all of my memories of life without you just to have you back. you’re my sebastian in every universe, and it’s an ugly romanticisation. life feels kinder when you smile. i loved your family because i started seeing them as mine. fifteen seconds. okay. i love your childhood self more than i can ever love anyone. i wish i remembered our last kiss. i wish i remembered everything. but it’s all gone now. i’m erasing you and i’m happy. the fan is at full speed now. everything is floating around. meet me. meet me. meet me at the ninth station again.
i’m waking up to a world without you.
nibir/ you were bigger than the whole sky, you were more than just a short time
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